Inside Emotionally Focused Therapy: Transforming Relationships

This blog was written by Kora Perugini, PCLC of Glacier View Counseling

Let’s talk about it. So first off, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a human-centered, research-supported psychotherapy approach that utilizes attachment theory to foster the development of healthy, meaningful connections both within ourselves and in relationships with others.

Theory of EFT

EFT is grounded in bonding science, more commonly referred to as attachment theory. Attachment dynamics are a primary predictor of how folks show up in relationships. I’m sure you have heard all about John Bowbly’s attachment work from the late 60’s (or more likely on a Buzzfeed quiz). At the forefront of this groundbreaking approach was Sue Johnson, who brought attachment theory from academia into the therapy room. Johnson demonstrated that understanding our connections is essential for building lasting relationships.

Emotionally Focused Therapy contributes to the the attachment discussion by offering a contemporary framework that helps clients develop more secure bonds in their relationships. EFT adds that when we are thinking about moving the needle more towards secure attachment, we should be considering how we show up with emotional flexibility and how resiliency supports our relationships. In session, couples or individuals work with an EFT therapist to work towards engaging in this  vulnerable skill building through experiential techniques and experiences in the counseling room.

There is an *actual* EFT Roadmap that outlines 9 steps across 3 stages. Sounds a bit daunting, right? Don’t worry, no one is pulling this road map out in sessions. It is just a way for the counselor to conceptualize where their clients are in the therapeutic process over time.

Target of EFT

Okay, so what is actually happening in the counseling room? Well if our goals can be broadly defined as showing up as emotionally flexible and with resiliency in our relationships, what does that actually mean?  To explore this, we need to look at the foundation of emotional attunement to ourselves and to others. In the counseling room, this concept comes to life as the therapist facilitates moments of vulnerability and emotional expression. Counselors are guiding clients to have corrective emotional experiences, often first with the counselor and then eventually, with their partner, which is the theory of change within EFCT.

Emotional Attunement is an essential piece of relationships and can be key for the process of repair within couples counseling. Emotional attunement refers to the ability for one to recognize and respond to another persons emotional signals, both verbal and non-verbal. When I think of emotional attunement, I think of the acronym A.R.E.

Accessible

Responsive

Emotionally Engaged

A.R.E. is a measure of empathic responsiveness in relation to the signals your partner is giving you. Let’s dig into it!

Accessibility: Can I reach you?

Accessibility refers to your ability to be able to tune in to yourself and ask the questions “How are you feeling? How am I responding right now? What is the meaning that I am making right here, right now, in relationship with this other person?”

Ways to Enhance Accessibility:

- Focus on being fully engaged in discussions, steering clear of distractions.

- Foster an inviting atmosphere by listening without criticism and establishing a safe environment for honest communication. 

Responsiveness: Can I count on you to respond?

Are you responding to your partners emotions? “Are you meeting yourself in your needs or allowing others to meet you?” If you aren’t feeling that connection, can you ask yourself, “What is blocking me from being responsive to my partners needs right now?” This can give you the opportunity to share more about the block or stuck point you are noticing inside yourself. Paying attention and being mindful can be a start to being present and responsive.

Ways to Enhance Responsiveness:

- Recognize and respect your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t completely grasp or concur with them.

- Consistently practice both verbal and nonverbal signals that indicate you’re engaged, such as maintaining eye contact, nodding, or using gentle touch. 

Emotional Engagement: Do I feel valued and close to my partner?

Once you and your partner both have checked in and feel accessible and responsive, you can then move to the piece of this process that allows for deeper connection. With emotional engagement, you are asking yourself “Am I able to stay tuned in at the same level as the person that is reaching for me? Am I staying within emotional balance? Feeling my own feelings and hearing my partners emotions and letting those land on me?” Big questions!

Ways to Enhance Emotional Engagement:

- Dedicate meaningful time to spend with your partner, ensuring that you’re free from interruptions. 

- Pose open ended questions to encourage deeper discussions and foster emotional closeness. 

- Take an active interest in your partner’s experiences, aspirations, and struggles, being present during both their joyful moments and challenging times. 

This is a nuanced skill but it definitely isn’t out of reach for us in our relationships. Emotionally Focused Therapy provides a powerful framework for understanding and improving our emotional connections. By emphasizing emotional attunement and A.R.E., EFT empowers partners to strengthen their bonds and navigate challenges more effectively. If you're seeking a pathway to greater understanding and fulfillment with your partner, EFT may be the compassionate and effective approach you need.